When Life Doesn’t Go Your Way…
Yesterday, I posted a conversation starter in a Facebook group. In my wildest dreams, I would not have thought anything about it except that I wanted to pique people’s interest and start a conversation. There are almost 13,000 women in this group, and much to my surprise, it got mean, and catty, fast. People did NOT like my post.
I was totally taken aback by this, but I kept a light heart about how I responded to people. Being a person who DOES NOT like conflict at all, I really started to question what to do. Being the cause of conflict in this group of people was actually extremely stressful for me. My stomach was in knots, I was getting a headache, and I was second guessing everything.
…Should I take the post down? Should I apologize? Should I clarify, should I? What should I do about this situation??
As I’m going through it, and as I’m feeling these feelings, and working through how I should deal with it… I recognized this is the type of situation that my clients tell me about and that they go through all. the. time.
They put something out in the world.
It doesn’t go the way they expected or the way they wanted it to.
It could be an outfit that they wore, or a presentation that they gave in class, or a friend conversation or a romantic friend conversation…
Ultimately, they put something out there, and it did not go her way.
At this point, the situation often turns into this very huge, stressful, anxiety inducing, angst-filled situation that they don’t know what to do with.
This post is dedicated to those girls, who are brave enough to put themselves out and take a risk, and the have to deal with the consequences when life doesn’t go her way.
FIRST: BREATHE!
99.9% of the time, what we’re dealing with, is not going to matter in another five days, let alone five years. Take a moment to breathe and recognize that this is not a life or death situation.
SECOND: NOTICE FEELINGS IN YOUR BODY
For me, my stomach really hurts when I start to get upset and anxious. Some people might get headaches, feel nauseous, or get really tired. Whatever it is for you, just notice where the feelings show up in your body. Sometimes we don’t recognize that something’s bothering us, but we feel that feeling in our body.
That can be a clue to us to pay attention and recognize that this might not just be a physical issue, this could be an emotional issue as well.
THIRD: ACCURATELY NAME THE EMOTIONS
We use general word for anxiety, and stress very freely. Or words like sad and mad… which are great words. But there are so many more words that are more accurate that can describe our emotions more fully.
For example: I am frustrated that people misunderstand what I’m saying. I am feeling a little mad at myself that maybe I didn’t realize what I was saying could be misconstrued. I’m feeling ashamed that I caused people to get upset.
FOURTH: IDENTIFY THOUGHTS
I alluded to this step when I mentioned WHY I felt ashamed. Why do I feel ashamed? Because I think that I’m responsible for someone else being upset. That’s the THOUGHT that I’m having. I feel mad at myself, because I feel like I should have known this would happen, and I shouldn’t have done it. It is so important to identify and capture those thoughts.
FIFTH: IDENTIFY FACTS
Name the indisputable facts about the situation: I did want to start a conversation. I had the best of intentions and the best of heart. I did not act with any malice. I responded with integrity. The facts of the situation are different than my feelings about the situation. An additional fact which is often good to point out in these situations that don’t go as planned is: I am not responsible for how other people respond to things. I’m not responsible for making them mad.
Look at the facts, and then weigh them against your thoughts.
Facts are real, thoughts are the things that we make up in our head, and we get to choose those.
SIXTH: CHOOSE DIFFERENT THOUGHTS
This is when we get to really start to rearrange how we look at the situation.
SIDENOTE: I actually got in the shower to rearrange the situation because many times taking a shower or a bath, or drinking a lot of water, can help alleviate stress more quickly. I always tell my clients that add some water, see what happens.
FEEL GRATITUDE THOUGHTS…
because when you hold those grateful thoughts, in that instant, you cannot also feel angry and sad. In that moment, you can only feel gratitude.
So I just started listing things that I was grateful for to get my mind in the right frame.
AFFIRMATION THOUGHTS…
these are the things that I know to be true about myself (aka “I am…” statements),
- I am a person of integrity.
- I am a person with a good heart.
- I am a person with good intentions.
- I am a person who seeks to do better when I know better.
- ( I know now that type of post is not going to work in that room. And I will make that mistake again.)
- I learn from my mistakes.
- I am a grateful person
- I am a happy person.
- I am a joyful person.
- I am a strong person.
Saying those affirmations helped me to deal with my situation, and I know they will work for you as well!
RECAP of how to respons when life deosn’t go your way:
- Breathe.
- Notice feelings in your body.
- Accurately name your emotions.
- Identify your thoughts.
- Identify the facts.
- CHOOSE new thoughts (gratitude and affirmations)
REMINDER: In another five hours or five days … definitely in five weeks to five months, this situation will no longer matter.
If it is bigger and it does matter in the long term, there are some more steps that we might need to go through.
In general, however, these are good rules of thumb for how to get through these angsty situations where we do something and it doesn’t quite pan out the way we thought it was going to.
Girls, you always have so much strength, and so much beauty within you, and so much awesomeness to give the world! I want to encourage you to not dwell on these situations that don’t go as expected.
Learn from them.
Learn to deal with them.
Learn how to get through them.
Keep choosing your thoughts, because you’re going to create an amazing life, and you’re going to change the world.
And I can’t wait to see you do it.
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