Have you ever said or thought… “My daughter is in her room all the time!” or “My daughter is on her phone all the time!” “I don’t even feel like I know her or what’s going on!”

You are not alone, and this has always been a pervasive issue for moms and daughters. But, I think that COVID has made it a little worse, especially for those that are schooling from home. My girls retreat to the basement, and they are on their computers for school all day. Even though we are home together, I don’t get to see them a lot. This is something that has definitely been a pain point for mothers and daughters, especially since the advent of the smartphone, but unsurprsingly, COVID has made this even worse.

Our lives have been pushed online. We’re not going out. We’re not doing things with other people. Our kiddos aren’t asking for rides places, and we don’t have the extra car time for those daily connection points. Given these circumstances, it’s hard for parents to figure out, “where do I fit in? How can I push myself? And should I push myself in, or should I leave them alone? What should I do?”

If CONNECTION with your T(w)EEN is what you crave, here are three ways you can get that – in a way that works for them.

FIRST: Establish DAILY check-ins.  This can be first thing in the morning, or right after lunch, or right before bed. The key is to make it a time that you set aside special for the two of you. It also should be consistent! It does not have to be a long conversation. Here are some ideas: 

1) on a scale of 1- 10, how was your day?

2)How are you feeling today? What are you thinking about today? Just those two questions!

3) What do you think you need to make this a great day.

4) Rose and Thorn (best part of day and worst part of day)

Whatever questions or method you choose, make sure it is daily, so that you can both count on this is the time that we are going to connect. They might roll their eyes about it – especially at first, but ultimately, our kiddos do want to connect with us. Our kids are feeling just as discombobulated as we are right now. Having this anchor to their day with your relationship can do wonders for them. Choose the time, choose whatever the question or the method or the check in is going to be and make it happen every single day set an alarm if you have to!

SECOND: Start an all family no-phone meet-up. The key with this is to start super duper small. We’re talking three minutes, “Hey, everybody, put your phones down real quick – I just need everybody to be here for one minute together!” Have a plan for something to tlak about, like a question of the day or a decision that you all need to make.  A very small amount of time we’re everyone in the house doesn’t have their phone on and is not in their room and everyone is together.

THIRD: Honestly thank your kids for their participation.  Start with heart. Reflect back to them how much their participation in these short check-ins and meetings means to you. Don’t give flowery speeches or overly emotional talks … just say “Hey, I really appreciate that you put your phone down for one minute to give me some time so that we could have some face time and reconnect, it really means a lot to me. Thanks so much.”

Be honest, be direct. Start with that heart. 

These three things utilized together will provide a great starting ground for the connection you crave in a way that works for your t(w)een. 

When you commit to these practices, your relationship will strengthen in a way that will help to draw them out of their room a little more, and get them off their phone a little bit more.

Instead of coming out of their room or putting their phone down feeling like a punishment or a consequence, it will feel rewarding to connect with other humans – especially the ones we love. 

Right now, connecting with your teen or tween is one thing. Ultimately though you’re preparing for a lifetime of relationship with them that will hopefully be rewarding for both of you in the long-term.

Continue to CHOOSE your thoughts. CREATE your life, and CHANGE the world.