MY DAUGHTER HAS BIG EMOTIONS (and let’s face it, so do I!)

This specific situation happened about a year ago in our household. 

However, since that time, it has played itself out, over and over and over again, in many different ways. 

I have three daughters, and the emotions in this house can range from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows in an instant. 

If you have a teen or tween daughter, I’m assuming that you can relate. 

This specific situation happened when one of my daughters, who shall remain unnamed, needed to log into school in order to complete an assignment, and for some reason, she was getting an error message, and it wasn’t working. Moments before everything had been fine, but all of a sudden, a ridiculous meltdown of epic proportions began. In my opinion, this was a disproportionate meltdown, compared to the issue at hand.

HOW DO WE DEAL WITH THESE BIG EMOTIONS?

RULE#1: No Emotion or Feeling is Wrong. All Emotions & Feelings are Valid.

The first house rule that we have for emotions is that no emotion is wrong. No feeling is wrong. In that moment, what my daughter was feeling… the overwhelm, the stress, the anxiety, the sadness, and the anger about not being able to login are 100% legitimate, even if, from my adult perspective, I can’t see what the big deal is. 

If it feels that way to her, it’s legitimate, she’s allowed to feel that way. 

So that is house rule number one, followed quickly by house Rule number two…

RULE #2: No Spewing Your Emotions on Other People

Rule number two is basically said in the same BREATH as rule #1… you aren’t allowed to spew your emotions on other people! You can feel all the things you want to feel, but you’re not allowed to spew that on other people. My daughter was so upset about the computer network not working and… her sister was in the room. So of course, she started to get snippy with her sister. I intervened quickly and reminded her, this has nothing to do with your sister right now, and  removed her from the situation. 

I took the sister away, put her to bed, came back about 20 minutes later. At this point I was able to say… “I completely validate that you are feeling upset about this specific situation. I also want you to recognize that this is not me doing this to you, this is not even your teacher doing this to you. This is a technical issue. Okay? So please don’t spew this on your teacher or on me or on your sister.” And then, we took a deep breath. 

We took that moment so she could recognize…

1.  my feelings are valid, and 
2. I don’t need to spew them on everyone else around me. 

RULE #3: Get Curious about the Emotions

Another question that we also now ask is, “Is this really what’s bothering you?” 

We’ve all been stuck in the house together a lot. Tensions are running even higher than normal for tweens … so it helps to ask ourselves the question, “Is this the main thing that’s upsetting me right now?”  Rule three is to get curious about our feelings and about where this emotion is actually bubbling up from? In our situation, is it truly anger at the technology? Or is it overwhelmed with all the things we have to do? Or is it frustration with a certain relationship that hasn’t been going well? Perhaps a sibling, or with a friend or with a parent, and we’ve been holding it in and now this issue is just where it comes out? 

To be clear – rule #3 ONLY works well when it is followed by rule #1, #2 and that breath! 

Fierce Toolbox 

Finally, we use the scale of 1 to 10. 

“On a scale of one to 10, how big is this actual problem?” 

In our house a 10 would be, somebody is seriously ill and in the hospital, and I’m worried for their life in their health. In our house a 1 would be I stubbed my toe.

So where does this SPECIFIC issue/problem/situation fall? 

To my daughter’s credit, she was able to accurately say, “Well, this is like a four.” 

At that point, we can objectively look at our reaction. And measure is this a level four reaction? Are we giving a for a four reaction to a four problem? Are we giving a 10 reaction to a four problem? 

WARNING: In the moment, our children will have difficulty doing this, 

when they’re very escalated. We HAVE to go through those other house rules…

#1: Validating the emotions

#2: Breathe & No Spewing Reminder

#3: Get Curious 

FIRST!

My daughter was – in the span of about 30 minutes able to calm down, step back, and walk me through what was actually happening. After which, we were able to solve her problem with our relationships in tact.  

There’s a variety of reasons why we and our kids can have really big fluctuating emotions at these times. But if you are able to implement these house rules, and go through this process, it will really help the cohesiveness of the family. 

Maybe post the rules somewhere where everyone can see and think about them daily? 

Everyone can learn to deal with these BIG emotions in a healthy way, that brings forth conversation, instead of shutting down conversations. As we know, one person in the home can set the tone for the entire household, so getting everyone on board to work through these emotions in a healthy way, is a true key to having that happy, healthy household throughout the holidays. That’s what we’re shooting for. 

Keep choosing your thoughts, go create a life you love, and I know you’re going to change the world …as will your daughters. (Especially when you’re able to deal with those BIG emotions in healthy ways.)