MY DAUGHTERS… AND … DATING!

I was cooking dinner the other night and…

while I’m in the middle of the kitchen doing all the things that I do, when all of a sudden my 10 year old turns to me and she says, “Mom, at what age am I going to be allowed to date”

I actually laughed at the question.

While I have many thoughts on my children entering the romantic world and dating what AGE is actually not something at the top of my list, and here is why…

I started talking to my daughters about “dating” many moons ago. (Even though they are 5, 10 & 12 years old now)

The first piece of advice that I have for you is to start this conversation early. Dating someone is simply an extension of a friendship relationship.

In order for your daughter to have healthy romantic relationships, they need to know how to have healthy, non-romantic relationships and friendships. If your daughter is like most girls, she starts having friendships at a very early age. Therefor we need to be talking to our daughter at very early age about what healthy relationships look like, whether it’s with friends, or at some point, romance is also involved. 

Start asking and discussing early…

“What does a healthy relationship look like?”

 “What does good communication look like?” 

“How do you feel around your friends?”

“How do you make your friends feel?” 

These are the types of questions you should be posing to your daughters early and often if you want them to have healthy dating relationships someday.

My daughters and I discuss healthy friendships and dating OFTEN. 

The second piece of advice, is that this is not just one conversation. 

My daughters and I talk about dating a lot. The subject matter is not something that can be covered in a “one and done” conversation. Additionally, the conversation changes as they develop mentally, physically & emotionally.

So, when my child brought up this specific question about when she would be allowed to date, it did not really catch me off guard. 

SIDENOTE: I told her that people develop at different rates, and age is arbitrary, in my opinion. I also told her that I am raising her to be a strong, independent decision maker who knows what healthy relationships look like, who can make healthy decisions for themself. I also told her that I am working very hard to have our relationship be a healthy one, so that shed will want to come to me, and we can discuss the possibility of dating and the many aspects of her friendships and relationships at any point.

My daughters and I have defined relationship terms – that continue to evolve. 

The third piece of advice surrounding your daughters and dating is to define terms as much as possible during your conversations about dating. Define what your family and what your daughter thinks of when they think of friendship versus dating. How are they alike? How are they different? How would you know if one or the other is happening? 

Define what it is to have a crush versus what it might actually feel like to decide that you love someone and to fall in love someone? What’s the difference between little butterflies in your tummy versus choosing to go through hard things with someone at a certain age based on your relationship? What does it mean to call yourself a boyfriend or a girlfriend of someone? How does that change other relationships that you have as many definitions and solid understandings that you can come to with your daughter early?

If you define these terms TOGETHER, BEFORE your daughter is confronted with dating, you will have a much better handle on what is actually happening in her mind and be able to advise accordingly. 

Once your child (or any of her friends) has a “boyfriend” it can be MUCH more difficult to have these conversations and define these terms since there are actual PEOPLE and FEELINGS already involved. 

As one parent to another, I want to make sure that you’re prepared ahead of time, BEFORE your daughter, starts “talking to someone” or is “asked out.” 

That being said, even if she’s already had a “romantic relationship” these are still conversations that are super important to have. Understanding how to have healthy relationships is something that you can and should start at any time in your life, to become a happier and healthier individual.

The people that you surround yourself with make a difference. We are an average of the five people we hang around with and the romantic partners that we choose, heavily influence our lives. Learning from an early age what we want our relationships to look like, could not be more important. 

Here’s to preparing our girls for what they want their future as they choose to create a life (and relationships) that they love, that will allow and empower them to change the world.