Your daughter’s big decisions.

I’m not talking about what to have for dinner, or what to do on a Friday night, (although those often FEEL like big decisions to tweens and teens)! I’m talking about the bigger decisions. Decision like

• who they might want to be romantically involved with (or even go on a date with)
• whether or not to take that AP class
• what colleges to apply to
• whether or not to go out for the varsity team
• whether to continue on a sports path or a music path or theater path or to try and combine all three of them.

We’re talking about the bigger decisions that have some implications for your child’s future.

There are four questions that are really helpful when we are helping our kiddos to make these bigger decisions. When the kids are younger, we make a lot of these decisions for them. But the older they get, the more helpful it is to involve them in the process. And by older I even mean 6,7,8 years old!

You want to ask some of these questions alongside them, to help them show how you’re coming to conclusions for them, then with them, so that they can then independently do it on their own as well as they get older (when you have no control over their decisions anymore!) 

Question number one: What is the motivation behind this decision? Why is it important that we make a decision in this situation?

With this question, we are peeling back any layers of fear or judgment. Many decisions that we make are based on what we might think other people will think, or we’re scared of what the outcome might be. We have to peel the onion (as Shrek would say) and make sure that the decision is not based on other people’s opinions, and/or  fear. To make sure we are doing this, it is important to get to the WHY! Why are we making this decision? Why is it important?

Question number two: How big are the future implications of this decision?

There are some questions (what college you go to) that could have a lot of implications about the future. How far across the country you need to travel? How much money you’re going to have to pay? What kind of environment you’re going to be committing to for at least a semester to four or five years.

Some decisions are going to have longer term implications, and others won’t. Really consider, what are those future implications? And how does that play a role in this decision?

Question number three: Is this a final decision? Or is this the first step in many decisions?

For example, if you are choosing to try out for a theatre production? The decision to audition is decision number one. If you get cast, you have a second decision. Do I accept that role? Do I go forward? Do I make this happen? When discussing decisions with our kids, make sure we are accurately representing the different steps of that decision. Saying YES to step ONE does not nessecitate saying YES to steps two, three and four. Let them know there are often MANY points at which they can make a decision, and if it makes them feel better, they can keep their options open, go for it and then make the decision later.

Question number four: How hard is it to change this decision?

Once we’ve made this decision, and moved forward, how difficult is it to decide we want (or need) to do something else? Choosing to take an AP class, for example, and then getting a month and a half into the class and deciding, oh, maybe that wasn’t the best decision for me for XYZ reasons. How hard is it to change that decision? How hard is it to change the schedule? This question requires getting curious about ahead of time, but can be done with almost any decision, and can really alliviate much of the decision making stress.

RECAP of the Four Decision Making Questions: 

q1) Why is it important?

q2) What are the future implications of this decision?

q3) Is this just the first decision of many? 

q4) How hard is it to change this decision?

BONUS fierec&flourish TOOL: Pro& Con List … a WEIGHTED Pro&Con list!

I know you’ve heard of it. I know it’s not rocket science. But making a weighted pro and con list can be super helpful, and even better if kids learn to do this at a young age so it becomes a natural part of decision making. For every Pro, rank on a scale of 1-10. How big of a pro is this? Is this a 10? Or is this like a two or three? There is so much power in reframing the conversation in numerical terms.

I urge you…start early. T earlier you start, the better off you’re going to be when they’re a tweenager or a teenager. If you start working through these questions with them when they are younger, they’re going to develop the understanding and the default to start asking these questions on their own.

That’s really what we’re going for, as we have our daughters choose their thoughts, so they can create a life that they love, and then go out and change the world.