Let’s face it – Sibling Rivalry is REAL,

and it is difficult for all involved.

I have three children. I grew up in a house with three children. I am no stranger to sibling rivalry. 

Where does sibling rivalry come from? 

JEALOUSY. 

My daughters become “rivals,” when they think that one of their sisters is getting something that they’re not getting. Nine times out of 10, the thing is that they want, that they think they’re not getting …is enough attention, or praise, or accolades from the important adults in their life, primarily, Mom and Dad.

This is where sibling rivalry comes from. When we start to realize that and we recognize that a lot of where it’s coming from has to do with how the siblings are perceiving our behavior, as parents, we can start to really help them work through this sense of sibling rivalry.

One of the first things that I do, and I taught my children from a very young age, is the concept of 

COMPLIMENT NOT COMPETE. 

When other women or other girls, and definitely our siblings, receive praise or receive accolades or receive affection in any way, it is POWERFUL for us to RECOGNIZE that we are not in competition with them. 

I teach my daughters and my clients that our goal in that moment, should be to figure out how to also compliment the person receiving praise. We should also lift them up, encourage them. When we do this we grow hearts of love and compassion for one another, instead of a sense of competition, and rivalry. 

A great way to frame this discussion, is to make sure your kids know …

When something is being “added” to one sibling (complements, praise, etc.), nothing is being subtracted from the other sibling.

Unfortunately, that’s how we feel sometimes, though, right? When someone else wins something, we feel like we’ve lost something. But that is simply not true. As moms and women, we have to reprogram our brains, and we have to help our daughters to make sure that they program their brains to not think that way. When something is being added to someone else, nothing is being subtracted from me, which gives me the opportunity to compliment them not compete with them. 

Understanding this concept from a young age can really curb the sense of sibling rivalry within your household, and any unhealthy sense of competition that can often plague women in general. 

An additional component in the conversation for parents is to…

Avoid labeling our children.

Especially when we have multiple children of the same gender, this can be really important. The words of adults carry alot of weight for children, and we need to make sure that we’re not closing down their ideas of who they are or attempting to define them with our labels – whatever they may be. 

These labels lead to sibling rivalry when one child thinks they CAN’T be something because their sibling already has a corner on that market (dancer, artist, patient one, outgoing one, etc.) These labels also can harm children when they think they need to fulfill it to please the adult, or outdo a sibling to receive the praise they seek. 

At the end of the day – labels do not serve our children’s development well and we need to try and avoid them at all costs.  

Finally, to avoid sibling rivalry, we need to be sure that each of our children feels like their cup is full.

Your cup is full when you have had good things that happen to you during the day… the positive affirmations that you get, the good things that you think about yourself, the positive interactions you have with others, all lead children to feel happy and loved and safe. When you feel this way, you tend to be able to fill other people’s cups as well. 

What is interesting is that each of your children may have a different way of feeling loved based on the theory of the love languages. Some children might feel more loved by words of affirmation and telling them about how amazing they are. Others might feel that way when we’re giving them quality time or when we’re helping or serving them. While others might need physical touch or prefer gifts. As parents it is important to figure out what keeps each of my kiddos cups full in order to reduce the amount of sibling rivalry and sibling friction.

Sibling Rivalry stems from jealousy 

Encourage kids to COMPLEMENT not COMPETE. 

Help kids recognize that when something is ADDED to someone else, nothing is SUBTRACTED from them.

Avoid labeling your kids.

Fill each kids’ cup according to their love language. 

Applying these steps will help each child in your home to really embrace who they are as an individual and not feel the need to worry about being a rival with their siblings. 

This will also help them be free to choose their thoughts, so they can create a life they love, so that they can go out and feel empowered to change the world.